Belly Buttons

My girls and I were snuggled on the couch reading. They were changed into their favorite princess nightgowns, ready for bed. I read three or four books as they giggled and rested their heads on me, leaning into me on either side. Who can resist that sidled-up love, that comfortable touching?

During one story about Princesses from the Bible, I was getting slightly emotional as I read to them about Sarah. Bearing the same name and the same promise from God that a family was coming, I could feel a wave of God-directed gratitude sweeping over me, and my words were starting to catch in my throat. And then, Darling D asked an odd question. She pointed to the illustration of Sarah in her Biblical robes and said, "What is under her dress?" I froze, unsure of how to answer her. My spirited girl didn't need an answer from me! She quickly said with a sly grin, "A button! Like this!" She lifted her nightgown and showed me her navel. But her knowing smile was quickly followed by another question. "What is it for?" And there it was. The moment when I had to talk to my Darling D about how her perfectly formed innie had been connected once upon a time to a different mommy other than me.

 And so I said, "Belly buttons are how mommies feed babies when they are inside their tummies." She immediately wanted to see mine. I could see her eyes searching mine for more information, with only a four year old vocabulary to string together. So I took a deep breath and began her story. 

Remember how you grew inside Mommy S's tummy? Well, there was a cord that went from her body to yours to feed you. When she ate, the cord brought food into your body and helped you grow bigger and bigger until you were big enough to come out.

      Where did I sleep then?

 At Mommy S's house for a while. But then she couldn't take care of you anymore, and people who cared about you called me. My heart had been so sad because I had wanted to be a mommy for a long time. I had prayed and prayed and prayed for God to give me babies. God told me that I would be a mommy but it took a long time! I had to wait and wait and be patient. Daddy and I had Terrific T, but then no more babies came.

      Beautiful B looked up from her own book and interjected with the saddest of faces, "Did Jesus say you couldn't have any more babies?"

 No, I knew more babies would come because I trusted God, but it took a lot longer than I thought. And then one day, the people who cared about you called me and asked if I wanted to be your mommy. They said they had this beautiful little girl who needed someone who could take care of her. Daddy and I were so happy when we were picked to do it!

      And then where did I sleep? She asked again.

 In the same bedroom you sleep in now, only in a baby bed. Mommy would rock you in the blue chair and sing to you while you drank your bottle. Just like I do with Super S now.

      What did you sing?

 I sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Goodnight Ladies.

      I know Goodnight Ladies too! You sing my name in it. Let's sing it now!

 Yes, beautiful girls, Momma was singing your names before she ever even knew them. She was singing them daily as she waited like Sarah waited for God's promise to be fulfilled.

And there is the rest too- hearts that are big enough for two mommies and just wanting to sleep somewhere safe and to understand it all.

 And belly buttons that connect us to people we can't always see, but Faith that connects us to the Unseen when we are looking and sometimes even when we are not.

 It was enough for her this time. I know I will tell this story over again. That is beauty. Because adoption is our gift. It isn't our last resort. It isn't plan C, although I chose to see it that way sometimes. Living it now, I see that it was the blessing we were always meant to have. Now I just see God in it.

New! White as snow!

As I sit here this morning, drinking my coffee and looking out the window, I see a new dusting of snow. The snow fell overnight and covered all of the dirt and grime that has accumulated on the snow that is hanging around from a week ago. The dusting this morning has made everything new and beautiful again. It reminds me that we are made new again too through forgiveness, no matter how dirty and grimey we get with sin. We are dusted off and made clean through our beautiful Savior and the sacrifice He made! I am so grateful!

I just snuck into my youngest daughter's room while she was napping, just to look at her. As she sleeps, her eyelashes lay on her round cheeks and remind me that God is amazing. Seeing her at such peace reminds me that God's plan for our family is bigger than any dream I ever dreamed for myself.

Moments

Today is my daughter's fourth birthday. She is growing and maturing before my very eyes everyday. I am honored to celebrate with her. But I mourned a little today too. When my son has a birthday, I think about the day he was born. I pay attention to the clock throughout the day, particularly around the time he officially arrived. My husband and I often reminisce about his birth. While this is a source of joy for me in regard to my son, for my daughter, it is a source of sadness. As a mother, I mourn the loss of carrying her in my womb. I grieve that I was not there when she made her debut. I don't even know what she looked like as a baby, if she had hair, the time she was born, or what she weighed. She walked into our lives as a 15-month old. While I know she has a history before coming here, it feels as though she doesn't because I don't know anything about it. The keeper of the answers to these questions is another mother, the one who was there. I am envious of her. Her body nurtured this little girl. She was the first person to snuggle her and look into her eyes. She knows if there were soft tendrils of hair or only peach fuzz in the beginning. She was there for that special moment. I covet those moments that belong to her and not to me. But I know that I have the better deal. The other mother holds those moments now and nothing else. They are all she has left, and I have everything else of our daughter. It is my hand that holds her small one when we cross a parking lot. I know that tonight, on her fourth birthday, she bravely scaled the ladder of her bunkbed to sleep on the top bunk for the first time in her life. I will know the moment when she learns to ride her bike, when she discovers the magic of reading, and when she is asked on her first date. I will shop for the prom dresses and the wedding gown, one day. While I wish all of her moments had been mine from the very beginning, I know how blessed I am to hold the last 2 1/2 years of memories and those yet to come.

Today

Today we took an important step in our adoption journey. The parental rights were terminated for our youngest child. While we are rejoicing and know that this is the next step in being able to adopt her, the flip-side of what it really means is not lost on me. What it really means is that another mother lost this little girl forever today. For the second time. I now have two of her precious gems in my care. While she is not deserving of seeing their beautiful smiles every morning or hearing their sweet little chatter at the dinner table, I am still grateful to her for the gifts that she has given me, whether willingly or by default. And so, to this biological mom, I promise to love them like crazy in her stead. I promise to do the best I can to give them a strong faith. I promise to teach them to be women and mothers. I promise to show them that hard work and integrity matter, and that valuing their own bodies is precious. I promise to show them through doing that charity and serving our neighbors is what we are called to do. I promise to paint their nails, take them shopping, and bake chocolate chip cookies with them. I promise to nurture their hurt feelings when friends are mean and to lay down the law when they test the limits of our home. I promise to try to give them all the things that she could not. And I promise to pray for her. I pray that she finds God. I pray that her life finds a path that doesn't lead to self-destruction. I pray that she finds peace with what has happened to her children, because they are going to be okay. Today was special. But is was also hard. While my heart is filled with joy and love for these children, I can't help but think of how broken their biological mother's heart must be. I pray she finds the healing Love that waits for her in Christ. Moving forward, we are grateful for today. We are grateful that it means we will get lots more todays with our precious girl. She is priceless. Beautiful. A gift.

Touch of Love

Today, for whatever reason, I began thinking about the varying movements and touches of my three children. In watching each one, I realized what a story or truth their actions and touches tell about them and about love.

 My eldest is my thinker. When he touches something, it is slow and deliberate because his mind is working over what he has laid his fingers on. He is always turning things over and dismantling in an attempt to see how something works. In the grocery store today, he touched nearly everything at his height in the aisles, no doubt pondering whether he would like each item. He eats with slow motions and relishes every bite, lost in thought. He is only fast when he is frustrated, and his hugs are like his thoughts, deep and meaningful.

 My middle child is always speeding through life. Her hands graze swiftly over everything. If she touches something, it is most likely to lay claim to it. She seeks touch with complete abandon. Her movements are endless, constant. At meals, she handles all of her food repeatedly, and her hugs are deliciously fierce and consuming, like crashes of tightly wound energy, much like she is.

 My youngest child is more delicate. She touches to explore, but very tentatively. She eats with a measured calm. And perhaps it is still her age, but she seeks out hugs for reassurance. She snuggles and relaxes, showing that she has found the respite and comfort she was looking for in that moment. A hug from this child feels like coming home.

 In them I see what love can and should be, deep and thoughtful, constant and intense, safe and comfortable. It is all of these things at once, because this is how God loves us.

What A Difference A Year Makes

I was just reading over my post from July 21st from last year. It was exactly a year ago yesterday that I wrote about having a fairytale life, and I don't feel any differently today! How fitting that a year after this post was written, the judge finally made the decision to set a trial date for the termination of parental rights for our precious baby girl! She will legally be our daughter before the end of this year. This gives my husband and I more joy than I can even articulate. Toward the end of 2011 as things were wearing on in her case with little or no legal movement, I was feeling so frustrated and discouraged. So many times since this beautiful girl came into our home, I have felt as though she was not the priority of her case worker, attorneys, juvenile officer, or the judge. She was cut loose from her sibling group as a bargaining chip and was almost immediately placed on a back burner until enough time had passed. Well, we are there. Enough time has passed! We are on our way, and I couldn't be happier. As she sits here next to me "coloring name" on a notepad with a pen, I can take her in as the gift she is. Becoming a mother is always special. Becoming a mother to a newborn that you didn't know existed in just a few hours is inexplicable. She was SUCH A GIFT! It isn't that the other two children weren't gifts. They are, and I can't imagine my life without them. However, there is something so different about they way she arrived. I think it has as much to do with my state of mind at the time too. We had just let another child go from our home. I was resolved to having just two kids and felt a peace with that. I had just accepted a part-time job teaching again. I could see this new chapter of our lives unfolding in my mind's eye. This chapter did not include an infant. And then on August 12th, that old addage about how we plan and God laughs manifested like a hand grenade in our life! There she was. At 5:00 in the afternoon, needing to be loved and cared for. Her daddy and I were both immediately smitten. There was no turning back. We gave her our hearts so quickly, that I am sure she was slightly smothered at first! And not a thing has changed since! Because of this story, because of this beautiful surprise, when I look at her, I see God. I see His hand on our family. We planned, but we trusted Him while we planned. And God took that trust and our prayers and our open hearts, and blessed us with this gift beyond measure. When I look at her, I see God's amazing love for us. It can't be pinned down, put in a box, or even into a plan. It is boundless, infinite, overpowering. That love has added to our family in a way that we could never have imagined. I am so thankful that He imagines it better than I do!